How Far

How far?

How far can I go?

Is it even worth it?

I know the stars are out there somewhere, glistening as they always do and surely it is I who have hidden myself away.

How sure?

How sure am I?

How certain is it that there is an end to the darkness in here? That darkness that pierces and pervades my heart, sinking, slowly.

And it hurts

The pain, it deepens until my groaning and hissing can no longer bring that strange comfort that comes in abandoning myself to dejection.

Superficial

Temporary

The blur of what was so real and sure, all that was before has been thrown into disarray.

Chaos

And it hurts

And I'm scared, so scared that I've had it all wrong.

Why would you let it happen?

Keep me there for so long.

There must be an answer

Though in fighting and groping in this darkness I give away my lack of faith.

And try as I might I fall deeper into this black room

And it hurts.

How far?

How far am I meant to go?

How much more can this broken and wretched soul take?

Starved of light, lost, alone.

No more of this, no more, I cannot stand or look

So I lie, shut my eyes and ... breath.

It's the only thing I know I can do now.

...

Nothing.

Nothing else matters

When I lie in a heap ripped up in tatters.

Silence.

Unfamiliar in my black room

A warmth that feels alien to my numb heart

Quiet.

I can't look down, there's only black and I've been there for too long and I know

The struggle is over.

Where else can I look?

I've forgotten how, joints that feel stiff, weak and unused, can they be pressed into service again?

Yes

Yes, it's scary but yes. Where else is there? Where else could I turn?

I lie, but looking up.

Something is missing, but it doesn't matter, none of it matters anymore.

How far?

How far did I go?

Was it even worth it?