Breathe

Around this time last year we were in a dark place. 

There was lots we were struggling with as a family, and I recall one moment when I felt despair in a way I don't think I ever had before. I don't make a habit of crying sad tears in front of others but on this night I certainly did.

I found the end of myself that day.

It was also a day where the church I work for was holding 24 hours of prayer in the church building, and I had signed up to pray in a slot late at night. 

While I was there, I was able to go on this intense journey with God. Bringing all I had in the moment and letting him work on me. What came out was the poem below, which I kept in secret compartment in a bag I had with me. I rediscovered it just the other day. Almost exactly a year on. 

We're in a very different place now, but we needed to go through this time, even though it hurt so much.

This is for anyone who finds themselves at the end of what they have and who they are. I pray that you might come and breathe...

And so I breathe

Just breathe

Tonight I find that is all I can do

It’s simple, stripped back to bare bones

Stripped so far back that you can begin to detect the outline of my soul.

No fancy words tonight

No cleverness or charm

Just me, just you

And I breathe

And that’s enough.

That’s all I’ve ever needed - all you’ve ever asked for.

Because when I breathe, that’s you.

From the beginning you’ve given breath. It is your gift.

And right now, I join countless others who have discovered their place, their worth, their freedom

in this breath.

Breathe on me breath of God.

Let this be enough, it’s all I can bring.

I hear you say - it’s enough, it’s you I want.

Exhausted under all the layers I’ve carried - stripped back now and raw.

Wounded and vulnerable. 

Hold me now, please - 

In this breath.